caylie02

I've always been too good at being on my own. I've always known the cost of it, and I've always accepted the consequences of it. It makes it easier for me to make choices in my life.

I make choices that suit me, and then life turns around and throws me into the arms of a man who does not want to be alone. It scares me to look into his eyes and realize how much I feel for him. There are honestly moments of disgust, especially when I can only explain most of my actions as 'defense mechanisms' and he tells me I can't always brush it off with that excuse. I just keep thinking 'please, stay here' but really accept that I've been places you haven't. There are things he won't tell me about his life, but he will eventually. It's just sad that he won't realize that there are things I will never tell him.

I won't ever doubt that my life has been full of mistakes. Mistakes made to me, for me, against me, mistakes that can't ever be taken back.

Sometimes I wonder what has been worth it and I start to scrutinize what has past.

It just makes me realize that was has come to pass, is past. What has been has been stamped and rubbing alcohol can't remove certain stains.

I live in fear of living ghosts, mistakes that only death can wipe out, but never erase.

I know this dress is beautiful. I've worn it many times and have received compliments. Yet there are some times when I just feel foolish wearing it because I want it to be more and I want to be more. I come home to an empty house and all I think is, 'You're dead to me'.

I met someone last night whom I was not expecting to meet. It's funny the people we bump into, the hands we write our names onto, the shoulders we wrap our arms around.
 

The hardest thing is always admitting it. I have rules that I follow and rules that I won't give up.

Maybe talking to someone will be good for me...but I think this will leave me just as helpless as ever.